THE FEAR OF LOSING SOMEONE...
This is not a regular blog, where I share my opinions its to pour out my feelings that I am witnessing in the past few days. I do not wish to hurt anyone's sentiments.
(I don't know whether its just me, or whether others face it too, but I have always faced fears of losing my dearest ones. Maybe I am just too cynical of the people around me.)
When, I was a child I always had the fear that my parents will have a second-born and their love for me shall lessen. As a kid, I have always been possessive about my things and my people. My world comprised of my parents.Thinking I am just a kid, my parents always laughed off my fears. They never understood the density of the fear I had. I used to get nightmares and it used to kill me. Now, after so many years when I think of it, it does seem quite childish to me as well. When I look around, I see my friends happy with their siblings and it makes me think that thankfully not everyone was like me, or else the world wouldn't have been such a wonderful place. When my friends cheer their siblings, or one's success seems like the others; when siblings become such best friends that no one else is required; I feel the emptiness. Its a different issue that my parents too had no intentions to have a second child. I guess I was simply lucky.
Leaving away that fear back in childhood, I grew into a teenager to what I am, came across many people, made many friends, shared many experiences. Recently, having witnessed so many marriages; and to top it up, a recent sudden news of a male-friend to take the vows, made me ponder, that now as we all are in a phase to settle down in life, and that means making new commitments, new relations. My fear as a child of losing my dear ones, is now seeping in again. This time its for a very close friend.....
One day, when I speak to him, he will tell me, that his marriage his arranged. He will be busy in preparations and full of excitement. But will he be ever to understand the pain I will be suffering within. The reality striking me that I no longer will be the 'best-friend' in his life and he will share his feelings, etc. with his spouse. That will be the right thing to do also. But I feel, like that small child(myself) I saw as a kid, spreading out arms crying to be hugged, with parents turning away(now him).
It is always said that any relation which has no future, has no reason to be kept. But, nothing remains forever; nor do relations come with a warranty card. In that case, is it so easy to let go? When I tell him that even we wont be forever, he shrugs it saying ' we are friends, and will always remain so'. But is that easy? My mother says that no relation can be kept forever, especially that of friends. A friend always loses place as soon as the spouse walks into the life. Preparing myself with this fact, so that it wont hurt, is like living through the torture every day. There's only hope and no certainty, that that hole will be filled in by someone else. What if it doesn't?
This might be a selfish thought, but sometimes it does hit. This might be a baseless thought, but it hurts to the core at times. I don't know what the future holds and what will happen, but for all those reading this, please re-think that sometimes, Friends, who promise to be forever, think twice before you do. Its not so easy to maintain a male-female friendship after marrying different spouses. They too need their attention and position. As a woman, if my husband kept meeting and sharing his thoughts with his best friend and not me, it would feel bad; so I can't take that right from my best friends wife. Sometimes we have to do the hard things considering how it would have felt to us in the same shoes.
